So he came home with a rat.  A rat with a purple cage.  A rat with a four-tiered purple cage.  A rat who’s name, he decided, would be “Tom”.  So, Tom lived in a three-tiered purple cage, and would soon receive a gift of a purple ball, in which to roam around his domain in his Park Towers Suite.  Then the question was posed: why not give this rat, Tom, a title.  Why not call him “Major Tom”;  a stunning tribute to Ziggy Stardust, who’s favorite colour (or at least it should have been) was purple.  There have been previous rodents with such names; Sgt Pepper, Mr. Bungle and so on and so forth.  But then there was a kafuffle and the crowd fell dead.  Apparently “title” is not the term for “Sgt” or “Mr.”.  Then he, yes he, who brought home the dear rodent Tom and his purple palace, had a wonderfully brilliant idea (or so he thought).  He decided to make figuring out the term that apparently wasn’t “title” into a fun and exciting game, in which the winner would not have to pour his or her own drink for the rest of the night, and the loser would have to go to the store and perform the most daunting of tasks ever; going to buy mix for the drinks consumed that night.  Du du duuuu.  So we tired of the whole thing and sunk to looking the shit up online.  Many terms arose, such as epithet, title, designation, and so on and so forth.  But we still were not satisfied.  No, that word we were all thinking of has yet to arise.  Perhaps people like us, who buy rodents for $10 on Monday afternoons after working day in and day out, have the keys to a different reality?  One where all the answers you seek are told.  One that expands your mind and alters your state of being in mind, body and soul?  Or maybe, just maybe, we’ll all just fuckin’ come up with the shit in like 5 minutes and realize that this whole thing doesn’t make any fucking sense at all?  Even when we’re this looped and now is the only goddamned time something this hairbrained would ever make sense at all?  FUCK!  What IS that word?

Categories: alcohol, animals, rants
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